NOLA Film Scene with Tj & Plaideau
A podcast about acting, filmmaking, and the improv scene in New Orleans.
NOLA Film Scene with Tj & Plaideau
Eileen Grubba: Part 2
Want to connect with Tj & Plaideau? Send us a text message.
What if your greatest challenges became your greatest strengths? Actress, writer, and producer Eileen Gruba transforms this question from philosophical musing to lived reality in this powerful conversation about disability, resilience, and the fight for inclusion in Hollywood.
Sponsored by Jana McCaffery Attorney at Law. Have you been injured? New Orleans based actor, Jana McCaffery, has been practicing law in Louisiana since 1999 focusing on personal injury since 2008. She takes helping others very seriously and, if you are a fellow member of the Louisiana film industry and have been injured, she is happy to offer you a free consultation and a reduced fee to handle your case from start to finish. She can be reached at Have you been injured? New Orleans based actor, Jana McCaffery, has been practicing law in Louisiana since 1999, specializing in personal injury since 2008. She takes helping others very seriously. If you have been injured, Jana is offering a free consultation AND a reduced fee for fellow members of the Lousiana film industry, and she will handle your case from start to finish. She can be reached at janamccaffery@gmail.com or 504-837-1234. Tell Her NOLA Film Scene sent you
Follow us on IG @nolafilmscene, @kodaksbykojack, and @tjsebastianofficial. Check out our 48 Hour Film Project short film Waiting for Gateaux: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5pFvn4cd1U . & check out our website: nolafilmscene.com
Hi, my name's Eileen Gruba. I'm an actress, I'm a writer and producer. I've been in the industry 30 years and I'm excited to have worked with these guys and to be on the NOLA film scene. Welcome to NOLA film scene with TJ Plato. I'm TJ and, as always, I'm Plato. We're back with part two with Eileen Gruba. I was wondering if TJ was interested in sharing what he's experiencing right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, while I don't I can't relate to the childhood things that impacted you the rest I can. I mean, it's really excuse me one second, it's not a secret in the industry I've got I'm disabled. I had a total hip replacement and had some significant complications and then I've also experienced a couple spinal cord injuries. And while I hide my limp as much as I can, I am limited in certain ways and I've had to turn stuff down. I've had to turn down auditions because I couldn't handle the physical side of it. I knew that it wasn't right for me.
Speaker 2:And to just to see you advocating for people with disabilities, no matter what the source is, is just amazing, and I haven't had a conversation with someone that does that and I haven't had a conversation with someone in the industry that is disabled and experiences challenges. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one you know, and there are times that I wonder is it going to impact the future of my career? And I questioned well, did? Am I auditioning, slowing down because of my disability, or is it just the industry? And the self-doubt creeps in. I don't ever worry about not booking something. I had an acting teacher very early on say that he didn't get. He's never been rejected for something. He just wasn't accepted or wasn't booked or whatever. And I try to use that little thought to not get myself down when I don't book something. But yeah, the self-doubt creeps in and it's just incredible to see you advocating the way that you are.
Speaker 1:Thank you. You know, what Maybe this can help is when I was in New York and I really started the intense training, I realized all the life experience, all that trauma. You know because you know you've said you have also spinal cord injury, hip replacement which means you know what I'm talking about when I say these things are hard, recovery is hard, surgeries are hard, they're painful, they put you back for quite a while. They don't just mess with the part of your body that got cut, but your whole body suffers. And to have that layered on top of fighting for a career or you're really good at what you do and someone wants to reject you or keep you out of a job that you need, because they don't have any respect for what you've been through, to even be standing in their room right now, right. I find that so egregiously unacceptable because I thought in my head many times and I'm not saying you to, I'm saying you to the persons who reject me if you had to live my life, you'd be dead. And I've come across many people that I've thought that, looking in their eyes while they're pointing out what's wrong with me, and I'm thinking you would have never survived my life, my friend. So I do smile when I'm going through that, because the thoughts in my head are like, wow, they have no idea the force standing in front of them. They have zero clue. And I'm going to own that, because all that trauma and all the power and strength and endurance and courage it took to survive these things, to go through those surgeries, to walk again and again and again, are trophies on my shelf. So when somebody has to have me play a character like the one I played for your film, it's not hard for me to touch those emotions. All I got to do is let my guard down, game on. You know, connect with somebody and share with them what I've been through Through the eyes and through the words in the script, and then I can connect to someone because I understand and I have empathy Empathy in spades, beyond most people and so that my friend is going to be your greatest strength as an actor right there and rather than take on their rejection.
Speaker 1:You know, I think about what my mother said when I was a kid. She said what you have there is a great judge of character, other people's character. They're not showing you what's wrong with you, they're showing you what's wrong with them and many years later she's been dead for so many years and I always ring that rings in my head. When someone's being a jerk or they're just rejecting me because they don't like the way I move, whatever, I smile and in my head I'm thinking thank you for showing me who you are.
Speaker 1:Next, because the greatest gift comes from when people do know what you've been through. You have two sets of people in the world ones who are drawn to you because of it, because they're stronger, and they want to know how you're doing this. And they want to know you because grit and life experience and all those things are attractive to strong people. Or there's the other kind of people who are afraid of you because they've been through nothing and they're scared of everything and you know what. Later in life I finally realized I wish I could go back to 15 and know this.
Speaker 1:But what I realized is I don't really care if the weakest people want to reject. I want the strongest people around me. You know like I want my battle warriors all around me, and so you know I'm laughing when I say this, but I mean it. I have the strongest friends in the world and the people who respect my work in this business are the best of the best. So when I get through the barriers and to them they write bigger roles for me, it's how I've had some of my best work. And you know, tj, you're a very soulful person. You can see it in your eyes.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Nothing you've been through makes you less, it makes you more, and that is what I try to tell all the kids that I advocate for out here. And even some of them are afraid of me and want to keep me out, even though I've fought to open doors for all of them. You know our industry is more open than ever, especially when it comes to veterans. Trust me on that one, and if they know that you're a veteran, you know what they want to know. Here's the bottom line. I'm just going to be very frank about this. This business is quite simple when you think about it. They want to know. Bottom line are you going to cost them money? So I'm always quick to let them know hey, I got my stuff, I got this handled, so just hire me, bring me in and I will do. I will work my magic and I will make it as easy as possible for people to hire me and on sets and everything, I do not make trouble. I make it easy for them and I let them know I'm fine, I can do whatever you need me to do, to a point Like I'm not going to be great about running down the beach with no shoes on. I can't do it. But I would turn down that rule or tell them another way to shoot it. Instead of thinking of of a disability as some reason they're going to reject you, I think of all the reasons. It's an asset to their production and get that point across. And what I tell the community of people with disabilities that I advocate for and that community is growing and growing and growing because more people are feeling safe, disclosing that they have a challenge. And what I tell them is just make sure you're ready, just make sure you're good, bring them your full heart into your work, be open and if somebody's rejecting you, you got to like I don't even care. Thanks for showing me who you are. Let me move on to the next one and you'll find them. And once you get past the gatekeepers, you really get to the creative people. And creative people Like I've had creative people be like it is so fun to write for you because they know I'll do anything, I'll try anything, and that was part of what the deal was at the actor's studio. I mean, within my integrity, I'm not saying I'll do anything.
Speaker 1:I've turned down more things that were exploitative of women than you can even imagine. I mean I used to in my 20s, be like in tears, being like why is it that every role they want to give me is so gross against women and I just wouldn't do those things. I've kept my integrity through it all. You know, I turned down Playboy multiple times because of the fact that I'm like that's not what I want to do. I don't want my image to hurt women all over the world. That's not what I want. So I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1:And and people thought I was stupid when I was young and wouldn't do that stuff. And I was like you know, I remember a casting director saying do you know how many women would kill for this opportunity? And my immediate response was did you know that my mother would come out of her grave and kill me? I'm not doing it and I'm glad I stuck by that because I watched the trajectory of careers of the girls who get drawn into that young and my career is still going. A lot of people say your career will end at 40. Mine hasn't. You know, if you keep doing the hard work and keep being good at what you do and keep putting yourself in that situation rejection it's like socks.
Speaker 1:I remember when kids always made fun of me when I was young, knocking me over in PE and all those things, and you know it's really funny. Success really evens the play. I can't tell you how many people have reached out and apologized to me from things in our youth, things that I didn't even remember, and I'm like, wow, this is funny and but they know it, they hold on to, they knew they treated you bad or wrong and I can't wait till we have a time when any kid, no matter what they've been through, can dream up what their future looks like and go get it and that our society won't be shutting the door just because they've been through more. Another thing about people with disabilities that I find really interesting and, as I said, I've had in and out of wheelchairs all my life rebuilds, all the work. I've had multiple years of my career on crutches and back in wheelchairs because of rebuilding things. So I've seen all sides of it and the spirit that comes with those battles is big.
Speaker 1:And when I go into a children's cancer hospital, for example, where I used to volunteer in Atlanta at Scottish Rite and work with kids with disabilities, no matter how sick they are, you know what you see. You see spirit. You see like this huge spirit coming out of them and it's the reason they survive and it's the reason they keep going. You know, later in life you have people with disabilities who are very spirited and people are like want to crush them or get them to shut up and hide in a corner and I'm like sorry, no, no, you don't understand, you can't crush me. There's only one person who can crush me and that's me, and I'm not going to crush me.
Speaker 1:So you know, the reason that I have this big spirit is because I've survived a lot and that's what I try to tell people about these kids. They're going to come into the world with bang, you know, like so much energy, and I think about some of the kids I've mentored through the years and they still come in a room and light up the whole place with their eyes, their smile, doesn't matter what's going on with the rest of them, you know, because their spirit is strong and I want to get the world to honor that. You know like I look at you, tj, and I'm like I want the world to honor your battles. Respect, respect is what should be seen, not pity, not looking down, not thinking it's less because in the end. Okay, you're a veteran, so I don't know if that means you went to combat.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you've been through, but I would think that if I was going to war, I would want to have some good conversations and education from people who've been to war before.
Speaker 1:Right, and everyone at some point in life is going to go to war for their life and at that point you're going to want to know the ones who know how to live. You're going to want to know the survivors and the ones who've been through it, the ones who've had the hip surgeries, the ones who've survived so many surgeries. Some of my friends have had literally hundreds of surgeries and they're fighting out here, trying to be actors, and they're always laughing and they're always. You could take the worst situation and they will turn it into some humor that you never thought was right to come out of anyone's mouth, but they can get away with it. Their strength and their spirit and their humors are just unstoppable, and that's what I hope. Anyone who's been through hell will realize the gift in what they've been through and the gift in what you've been through and the strength that you can bring to the screen, because our career really is all about humanity, and the people who miss that are making work that nobody cares about.
Speaker 2:That's a great point. You said something that really resonated. I've had different acting teachers demonstrate different approaches to tapping into emotion and leaning on life experience. To tapping into emotion and leaning on life experience, I've never heard anyone put it the way you just did just let the guard down, and that's certainly something. I've put my guard up and I've had the walls up because of the background, the veteran background, and I do also want to be clear that I don't for a minute feel like I've lost something or not booked something because of that.
Speaker 2:I don't think there's a single cast and director that I've auditioned for that was like oh no, he's, there's something. I don't feel that that's been the case. A lot of it has been self-limiting, but there's been roles that I've had to say I can't audition for this because of that. But I was also trying to find a way to word it. I've had people discourage me from disclosing my disability and say that it'll hurt you in the long run. Talking with you today, it's given me the courage to not hide that because it's been hidden. People that are close to me know the stuff that I've been through and I don't know. I just I guess I don't want to. I don't feel like I need to hide it anymore.
Speaker 1:You know I had to hide it for a lot of years. A lot of years I wore long skirts most of the time to hide it and the reason that I had to was because if they saw it I wasn't getting a job and so I was like, fine, I'll hide it and they won't know about it until I get the wardrobe you know. So there are some offices and some people that I know are not receptive, so I have to hide it. I literally have in the past lost so many jobs because of it and found out later. This was exactly the reason, like I've had. Casting directors have shows end and then contact my manager and say, eileen, hands down, booked that job but then someone saw her limping, walking to her car. That has happened so many times where I've lost jobs over it, over my medical stuff, which is appalling to me.
Speaker 1:So I understand the people saying in this business hide it because of who your audience is, who you're dealing with. Sometimes I mean it's hard for me to hide it now because the whole world, you know, I've interviewed so many times and spoken all over stages and fought for the inclusion of people with disabilities in this industry for three decades. So now, they all know, and unfortunately then that often puts me in a category where they'll only bring me in for, like disabled roles on certain offices. And I'm like you know, I'm pretty agile, I'm moving around, you know. So I understand why they say that in, but it's like at some point you're like this is who I am, you know, love it or leave it. And you know, when it comes to the work, I don't hide it anymore in the work and I still am aware of the fact that if they see it too much and they're focused on it, they're not focused on what needs to be on the screen, which is your eyes and your soul. And there's so many roles where it just doesn't matter. You know, I've been trying to get this industry to understand that it just doesn't matter. It does not matter guy has a bald head, some guy has a big nose, some guy has a big beer belly, somebody has one leg missing, somebody has one arm missing, somebody's blonde, somebody's brunette, it's like who cares? It's all quality characteristics of characters, you know. So it all adds to the richness of what we're putting on the screen.
Speaker 1:And you know, I worked in casting for a lot of years and I got to hear all the behind the scenes nonsense and the things they worry about. And you know what I do know Audiences worldwide. They don't really like perfect people. They actually hate them and they enjoy hating them. And so when they think somebody is being presented as perfection, they can't wait to tear them apart and tear them down and be like, well, that's not even real and blah, blah, blah. They can't wait to attack perfect. So I'm like so with us you get a built in, don't have to worry about attacking us for being perfect. You know, we got other things to bring to the table.
Speaker 1:So I'm very sensitive to where you're at as an actor, because it's been a debate for decades about do we hide it? Do we show it? Do we hide it? Do we show it? There were years where I was like if I hide it, I get in the door. I'm okay. If I show it, I don't get in the door.
Speaker 1:Now we got a problem because I can't get on the set to show them what I can do if I can't get past the audition process right. So I got to the point where I would hide it until I got on set and then I'm like now, deal with it. It's now, if you get rid of me, you got a problem on your hands, and what I've found is that a lot of producers and creatives, once they get their hands on you, they're like, oh, I like that, can we write that in? And so that has happened on multiple shows where they were like can we write that in? I'm like, have at it, go. And I'm like have at it, go for it. The first time they asked if they could write it in, I was so blown away. I was like, well, it'll either make me or break me. So sure, have at it.
Speaker 1:And that was for this HBO show called Hung, where they literally put me in miniskirts that were too tight for me and I had my AFO brace up to my knee then and I'd be running through the rain in high sandals and an AFO brace and a miniskirt and I was like this is nuts. But you know it worked. And I, you know you, I've learned not to look at social media comments because I mean, who cares what a bunch of trolls say or whatever. But most people were positive, but every once in a while somebody would say something kind of nasty about the leg or the brace and and I'm just like whatever block next. You know like some people are just creatures and others are humans, and so I prefer to work with the humans who can connect, because at one point everybody's going to have a medical challenge.
Speaker 1:You're not going to get through this life without one unless you're lucky enough to, like, crash in a plane or something you know. Otherwise you're going down the way the rest of us are, and we shouldn't punish the people who go through those battles sooner. That's all it is is like the kids that go through cancers and all that stuff. They're going through the battles sooner and if they survive, they should be honored and respected for that survival. And you should be respected for everything you've been through and never feel bad about it for one second, because that is your strength, and I write it in my screenplays, I say it in my speeches. I'm like the strongest people are not the ones who've been through the least, it's the ones who've been through the most and never forget it. Those are our world's strongest people. So we don't want to leave them out of the equation, we don't want to leave them out of the battle.
Speaker 1:I used to say to myself I wish I had a warrior like me by my side when I go into these battles. You know I wish I had another, someone like me, to pick up the torch and fight when I'm down with stuff. And then I realized, well, I have me. I have the greatest warrior right here with me everywhere that I go. So I can never lose that and I won't lose it for somebody else. I won't give up my power for people that are afraid of it, because I need it to survive and to keep doing the things I want to do in this world. And I want to go out with a bang. You know, I want to keep making an impact until the day I leave this planet, and when I do, I will have known I did something great, because I believe the challenges that we go through are all just character building opportunities, opportunities to create something that affects humanity.
Speaker 1:And I recently had yet another person trying to discourage me from my career because, needless to say, you can imagine what the industry did to me over the last five years because I can't get vaccines. So you know what they did to me. That was brutal. It was like being a leper out here in LA, and it was horrible because I can't get vaccines. So you know what they did to me. That was brutal. It was like being a leper out here in LA and it was horrible because I don't have a choice in the matter. It could kill me, it could paralyze me again. You know, they don't even give me a flu shot, right?
Speaker 1:So I went through that hell and I had a good handful of people constantly saying, well, just quit that business, we'll just quit, you know, just give up. And I was like I've fought too hard for too long, I'm not going to quit, I'm going to keep going. You know, recently, very recently, somebody just said to me well, when are you going to ever give up that career so that you can have, you know, a big house? And, you know, make more money doing other things? And blah, blah, blah. And I was like you know what, at this point, who needs the big house? I mean, I got to look back on my business and my career and be like who else and I said it to this person. I was like who else do you know?
Speaker 1:Went through paralysis, cancer, losing parents, young surgery after surgery, rejection after rejection, and kept freaking going, learned how to walk five times and changed a freaking industry so she could work in it and open up the doors for kids with disabilities so they can be treated a little better in life. And while I was doing that, I learned how to beat paralysis and overcome that. And I learned how to beat cancer and overcome that. And I learned how to change this industry. And I still somehow built, you know, over 100 credits on IMDb and growing and got into the actor's studio fairly easy.
Speaker 1:Who else did that? And now you want to shame me and say I should quit. Like who else has had a more productive life, given the circumstances? I think, given the cards that I've had, I did all right. So maybe I'm not rich and then maybe I don't have mansions on different sides of the planet and maybe this industry never really fully respected what I'm capable of. But I'm not done yet and anything can change at any moment in this business and I can at least look back on my life and be comfortable and confident that I accomplished a few things along the way, you know, and that's not arrogance at all, that's just standing up, for I'm fighting for my dreams still and I'm glad that I have the strength and the energy to keep doing it.
Speaker 2:Me too.
Speaker 1:I hope you'll keep going in yours and you know whatever lights your fire and makes you open up and let your guard down, because you know how easy it is to play some of the hardest characters Like, for example, you got to play a drunk in something. Most factors will fail at that. They will fail at playing drunk Somebody like you or I. We have a walking challenge. All we have to do to play drunk is stop trying to balance.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's it. Stop trying to walk like everybody else, stop trying to be steady and just take it in and then you got it, you nailed it and you're not overacting. I mean, it's easy, you know, yeah. I mean we have gifts that come with all this. We have life experience and most people can never even touch. So it's a gift and it's the gold on your shelf and it's the trophies in your case and you know, go into every room just knowing you got that this incredible.
Speaker 2:This is just. This has been incredible. I've got so much to think about after this. I think there's not been enough attention to that aspect of the industry and I wasn't aware of the work that you're doing in that field. I wasn't aware that anyone was doing it because I've always tried to just hide it and to know that there's an advocate out. There is just I don't know. I'm walking away from this interview being relieved that there's an advocate out.
Speaker 1:There is just I don't know, I'm walking away from this interview being relieved. And there's a bunch of us now it's growing. You know, when I was in my 20s, I was one of the only people there were very few of us that had anything going on, and I used to threaten the industry. I was like y'all, better open up your doors, or I'm going to bring back an army of cripples and you're going to have to deal with all of us. And we do have an army now it's growing and growing.
Speaker 1:A lot of young kids coming in who have a different mindset completely, because they grew up in a world that was a little easier than the world we grew up in in our age range, you know. So people are much more open now and the younger generations are much more open and starting to celebrate, you know, celebrate the challenges, and so I think that the future looks bright and we're not done yet. And so I think that the future looks bright and we're not done yet. But when the world can look out at people with disabilities and honor them, you know, makes me think of that last scene in the Gladiator movie, when the guy finally gets killed and he's down on the ground and the woman who loved him comes up and says he was a great warrior. Honor him, you know, honor them. That's the perception shift I want to see before I leave the planet and that's what I'm going to keep fighting for. Beautiful thing.
Speaker 2:Eileen, thank you, thank you. Thank you for the inspiration and the advice and the advocacy and for pounding that drum so loudly. I know that I'm not phrased, that I almost don't feel worthy to call myself disabled with some of the stuff that you've been through and some of the stuff that so many others have been through. But hearing your thoughts and your advocacy and your advice and now I feel like I've got a new way forward. I feel like I can find a new way to apply life experience that I just never even considered before. I think it's a beautiful thing. Do you have a resource? Is there a community, an online community, website, forum, something that you're involved with that we could put out there for other people in the industry that might be looking for that kind of resource?
Speaker 1:Actually, as many years ago, we started a Facebook page called Trained Actors with Real Disabilities, and the reason we named it that was because the industry kept saying, well, there aren't any trained actors with real disabilities and it's like, yeah, there are, we're here Because they were always faking disability and then saying that the actors with disabilities weren't trained and ready and we're like, no, we are here, we are. So we. We named it Trained Actors with Real Disabilities and Vince Stasekel runs the page now for me and he is wonderful. He shares all the work of people with disabilities in the industry and when opportunities come up nationwide, worldwide, he will put them on the page and we ask all the actors with disabilities who are out there working to share with us when they have something out there in the world so we can post it on the wall. For people. We have become a resource. There are a lot of resources now in the business and a lot of support online. That is our main page Trained Actors with Real Disabilities on Facebook. You're welcome to come join us. We have a lot of casting directors who reach out and ask is there anyone that fits this thing? So that's one major resource. We have many.
Speaker 1:I have my own website, eileengrubercom, that is focused on my public speaking about these things and advocacy and because of my lifetime of seeing the strength in these things, I'm pretty good at helping people see what their strengths are because I'm sitting there going. Well, I wish I had that and I could do that. Well, let me tell you what I'd do if I was in your shoes. You know I've been pretty good at helping people and mentoring people through the years. So that website is EileenGrubercom. But ultimately, the dream is for people to recognize our work. We're artists, we're writers, we're actors. I can't wait for the day when they're always talking about my work as an actor. The way Brian started this interview because that's what I worked so hard and trained for the advocacy happened by accident, because there was a need for mindsets to change and a need to change the business so that we could work in it. But ultimately, one day I'd like to be known as an actor more than as a person with a disability Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm an artist first and my work should matter. I've worked hard and trained hard. Oh, I just wanted to answer. One thing you said, tj, is you were feeling not worthy of that title.
Speaker 1:But a disability is anything that alters your daily ability to move and function in life. The things that you go through are not small or trivial. They cause a whole lot of challenge and pain and alter your daily functioning. I mean to this day. Every morning begins with what's the least amount of pain I can be in. What shoes do I need to wear to make sure I can walk today? I mean, structurally, which shoe is going to push it in the right direction this day, because it shifts all the time. It's a constant challenge. I don't want you to ever feel like you don't have the right to. You've been through your battles. Those are your battle scars. Honor them. You know this is. If it's, you know, if it's a word that you're comfortable with, use it. I like to honor everybody's battles because it's real and we've all been through some hell and we all deserve to be acknowledged and accepted and our challenges be honored.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for joining us. You've offered some great insights in both episodes that we did the Soldier's Heart hopefully coming out in the fall, we both well, I guess all three of us were in it. We didn't get to meet on set because of filming schedules, but it's really cool to count myself in a film that you were in and I'm grateful that you came on and spoke with us, and I can't wait to look into more of the advocacy that you're doing for the disabled acting community. So thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 1:My pleasure Great talking with both of you.
